Grendels
by Traveler07
Summary: A series of one shots involving Cal and Niko's interaction with the Grendels. The first is a Wee!Leandros story. T for future language. WARNING!: CHAPTER 4 IS VIOLENT AND HAS SOME DISTURBING IMAGES! Do not read it if this will bother you!
1. Chapter 1

Hey folks! This is going to be a series of Cal and Niko moments, usually dark, usually involving the Auphe. Mostly this is just a way to let my muse off of it's leash. Hope you like it! Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: The Cal Leandros series is property of Rob Thurman, I do not own it.

--

I sat at the table doing my homework. It was the middle of the day and luckily, due mainly to her nocturnal activities, Sophia was in bed. I glanced out the window at the cloudy sky. It was a comforting grey today, light like my and my brother's eyes. It was the one feature we had in common; storm grey eyes.

Speaking of which… It was five o'clock, I didn't have a watch on me but I had a nearly infallible inner clock. Which meant Cal was late, he should have been home ten minutes ago. First graders had to stay late today for projects and Cal insisted that I let him walk home alone today so I didn't have to wait at the school. I didn't object because the school is only a mile away and it is in a relatively good part of town. And also because my brother, only six, almost seven, years old, was already developing an independent streak.

He was at the age where almost all I heard was "Let me do it! I want to try". I felt a smile tug at my lips and turned back to my homework. It was an English essay, nothing that required much work or attention.

Yet somehow I couldn't even give it the meager attention it deserved at the moment. I had never been one to fidget much, unlike Cal who was so good at squirming he could be the next Houdini if he put his mind to it, yet suddenly I couldn't seem to control the urge.

Late Cal was late. It was now a quarter past five unless my inner clock was wrong, and I sincerely doubted that it was. Independent streak or not I was going to go get him. I felt an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and forced myself to be calm rather than to think of all the things that may have caused Cal to be late.

--

I was jogging down the path to school very quickly, I was almost running. I must be about half way there by now, still no Cal. My heart sped up, but it had nothing to do with the workout I was getting.

My eyes desperately scanned the horizon.

_Where is he?_

Then I finally saw him. Relief rushed through me hot and strong and for an instant I was only happy, relieved that my brother was alright. However, anger quickly followed.

I jogged until I caught up with him intending to give him a serious talk about tardiness.

"Cal, you cannot just meander home any time that you please. Any number of things could have…" I cut myself off abruptly as I finally really looked at Cal.

His head was down and his shaggy mop of hair was covering his eyes. His small hands gripped tightly onto the straps of his backpack, so tightly that his fingers were blanched even whiter than his normal milky color.

"Cal?" I rested my hand on top of his jet black hair and I felt that he was trembling.

"Are you okay?" I dropped to my knees to put us on the same level and tried to look at his face, but he stubbornly turned away. I felt the uneasiness return with a vengeance.

_Why won't he look at me?_

"Cal, whatever is wrong I can fix it, but you have to tell me. Are you hurt?" He gave a slight negative shake of his head. I hoped he was responding to my question and not my statement that I could fix it. I gripped his chin and gently coaxed his face towards me. I was unprepared for what I saw.

Terror. Pure unadulterated terror was written across every line of his face. His grey eyes were dark and filled with it. Not like a child whose seen a scary movie, more like one who just had a real confrontation with the one under his bed. Before I could process anymore he flung himself at me and threw his arms around me neck. I almost tumbled backwards since the move caught me off guard but I managed to right myself before we went all the way down. I wrapped my arms around him tightly. He was still shaking violently.

I held him for a moment before twisting around and hefting him onto my back. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew by the look on his face he wouldn't be talking soon and I didn't want to have this conversation out in the open.

I hadn't given Cal a piggy back ride in years, he never let me pick him up anymore, more of his independent streak. I was glad that he let me do it now. I needed the contact just as much as he did at the moment, I needed to know that I had him here, safe from whatever was scaring him.

Fear kept me very alert on the walk back. Every movement drew my eye, every shift of light pulled my gaze, because I knew what this was about. I didn't have to ask him, I knew. It had something to do with the Grendels.

It was the only thing that could have him so afraid, and if anything was to be feared it was the Grendels.

We reached the trailer just as the sun began to set. There was still plenty of light, but it was waning. And as anyone well informed person knew, the dark was certainly something to be afraid of. I crouched down and let Cal slide of my back, but I didn't let him go. I held on tightly and we sat down on the dirty lump masquerading as a mattress. We both sat silently for a moment, gazing out the window at the slowly darkening sky.

"I saw one today." Cal's voice was quiet and trembling, as though they may hear him if he spoke too loud. I felt fear clench at my heart again, though I already knew what was coming. It didn't matter if you knew, no one was ever prepared for Grendels.

"I-I thought maybe," he wet his lips and tried to continue "maybe they weren't really so bad. They look so scary and we call them monsters, but I'm a monster too and I'm not so bad." My throat closed up but I didn't stop him and correct him yet, or he may not get up the courage to talk again.

"And I know what it's like to have no friends and to have people think you are a monster. So I-I walked after it and followed it into that alley behind school."

I had to keep reminding myself that he was okay, that he obviously made it out just fine.

" It smiled at me, but it was a scary smile. I-It was no good at all, and then it grabbed my arm and I screamed and no one came, and it didn't let go. Then all of the sudden the… the air broke and there was a grey light and there was another one." He was talking fast now, the words were almost unintelligible.

"They said something, I don't know what though. Their words were awful." He shuddered. "And then the other one let me go and the grey hole gobbled them up. After the were gone I ran for a while and hid in the trees, then I remembered that you were waiting for me so I started to walk home."

For the first time since he started talking Cal looked up at me. "But they're gone now, they won't come back." It sounded like a question. I gave him the answer he deserved.

"Of course not, you're fine now. Your safe." Not the first time I had lied to him, and as much as I hated it I doubted that it would be the last.

After a while I managed to coax him out of his jacket and saw the bruises that marred his thin arm. The angry purple's and blue's stood out in stark contrast against his moon colored skin. They were just bruises, they wouldn't scar, but I knew that his memories would. I could already see that he was changed, that he was more wary of the world. His eyes were already much too old for someone so young. And there was nothing that I could do. I felt my fists clench so tightly they shook, I could put ice on the bruises but I couldn't numb the pain from his eyes. I tried desperately not to think about the new development in our knowledge of the Grendels... the grey light that Cal described. I let it flow over me now, something I rarely allowed myself to do, and promised that I would think about it later.

I glanced over at him and saw that he had fallen asleep. The adrenaline had finally left him and drained what was left of his energy. I picked him up off the couch and carried him to bed. He stirred and his eyes cracked open.

"You're not a monster Cal, you know that now right?" I couldn't be sure if he really knew what I was saying but he nodded anyways and for the first time today he gave me a slight smile. I felt the ice around my heart thaw slightly as I took in his face, peaceful with sleep.

Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I crawled into bed with him. I had my own now, but tonight I didn't want to be even a room away. I wouldn't let anything happen to him again. He was never going anywhere without me. I would watch him all the time now, and I should have known better than to leave him alone in the first place. It was a mistake I intended never to make again.

I vowed to myself that as long as I was breathing a Grendel would never touch him again.

The bruises from this encounter would fade, I only wished the mental ones would too. Unfortunately I knew better.


	2. 753

So, this part doesn't exactly have to do with the Auphe, but it involves how Cal views himself and his relation to the Auphe. It is partly in Niko's and party in Cal's perspective, and its a little angsty... because Cal would just not be Cal without the angst that we all love him for :D. Let me know what you think! I hope that you guys are enjoying my stories, I'm not sure how well I do the first person perspective thing... but well, I was pretty happy with it.

Oh, one more thing. I like Promise as a character and all, but she brings Cal down a lot. I know that he instigates a lot of the time, but it still bothers me. I just think that sometimes she should know better than to say what she says to Cal... yeah anyways. I'm done rambling! I swear.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Cal Leandros series, it is property of Rob Thurman.

* * *

I groaned as I was bathed in cool, slick revenant blood. I viciously yanked my knife out and tried not to grimace as I wiped flecks of blood off my face. Some dumb ass asked us to clear the neighborhood of revenants. Because we wanted to be fair, and by we I mean Nik and by fair I mean goody two shoes, we had given the client a warning that they would be back. Just like cockroaches, you could never get rid of the damn things. Swear to God, if there was a nuclear war all that would be left in the world would be revenants and cockroaches. Nasty bastards.

I heard the crunch of steel toed boot and skull and turned to see Nik taking out the last of them.

"Je-sus, how many of those things were these anyways? Must have been fifty." Yeah we sure as hell earned our paycheck tonight… I hated earning my paycheck.

"Thirty seven actually, and if it felt like more to you perhaps we should increase the length of your work out." He deadpanned. Yeah, that wouldn't have been funny even if he were joking.

"Come on Nik." I groaned. "If I spend anymore time working out I won't have time to do everything else I have to do."

"You mean like sleep until the afternoon and watch bad daytime television?" He wiped some off the excess blood of on the scraps of clothes the now headless revenant was wearing before pulling a Houdini and making it disappear into that damn Mary Poppins coat of his.

Goodfellow, who stood in an immaculately clean outfit that looked like it was worth more than what we were getting paid today, groaned.

"Honestly Cal, you've finally found someone willing to do the nasty with you and you still spend your days watching daytime television." He shook his head and glanced up toward the sky. "Where did I go wrong."

"Shut the hell up." I grumbled, for lack of a better come back, and followed them out of the alley as we went to collect. We hadn't met face to face with our employer. Everything up to this point was over the phone. It was suspicious. We better get paid tonight or I was going to round up a truck full of revenants and dump them in this God forsaken neighborhood… well maybe I wouldn't but I'd still be pissed as hell.

Promise went to the door and knocked lightly. The door opened quickly and a tall woman stood framed in the doorway with ink black hair that draped past her waist.

"It's all here." She said quietly an envelope clutched tightly in her moon pale hand, I caught a glimpse of her mouth through the veil of her hair. She had no lips. I surreptitiously sampled the air. She smelled slightly like a pond. She must be some part Lamia then. Goodfellow wasn't quite so inconspicuous.

"Part Lamia…" he whispered in disgust.

The girl, who had obviously heard him, quickly shoved the money at Promise and shut the door with a snap. I glanced over at Goodfellow, who had the grace to look sheepish. I bit back the bitter comment roiling in my mouth. He didn't get it, and he wouldn't. There was no point in saying anything, so for once in my life I kept my trap shut.

Promise stepped down from the doorway with the money in hand.

"Yes, rather odd. I cannot begin to understand the circumstances that allowed for that combination." Her nose scrunched in distaste. I just shoved my hands in my pockets and kept my eyes on the ground.

"Is the money all there and accounted for?" Niko said coolly, abruptly ending the conversation. A silent conversation passed between them before some of the tension bled out of his stance. Good, I was glad they didn't fight over this. It wasn't worth it and I damn sure didn't want to hear it.

"Relax, it's not like we said anything that isn't true and I'm sure she isn't deluded enough not to realize she's not quite human. I mean what with the cravings for warm screaming life blood and all-" I kicked the back of his knee and felt much more satisfaction than I should have when he went almost all the way down.

"Fuck!" He exclaimed straightening and turning to glare at me. It quickly faded in light of whatever he saw on my face.

"Cal I-" He started uncertainly, a feeling the pompous Puck almost never showed.

"Forget it Loman." Whatever he was going to say I didn't want to hear it. Besides, the truth was he just didn't know better. He didn't mean to hurt that girl, it didn't change the fact that he did and it didn't change how that girl felt, but it did mean something.

I kept on telling myself that as we trudged on to Promise's apartment.

----

It was another late night. We had an extermination job earlier, a woman paid us to clear the revenants out of his neighborhood. They would be back, but perhaps not in such numbers. Well, so went the theory. However, I wasn't foolish enough to turn down any extra money. My tuition bill couldn't be paid simply through my and Cal's "day jobs" so to speak.

I watched the shifting crack of light under my doorway and noticed by the light patterns that Cal was pacing again. Not something he was usually prone to do, what with his chronic laziness and all.... Promise had taken a shower when she got back and Cal was waiting in line to take one after her. He was the only one who ended up splattered in gore. I sighed, Cal is a messy fighter in every way there is to be a messy fighter.

I heard Promise's footsteps approach and then stop abruptly. Both her and Cal's shadows became still.

"Caliban, why won't you look at me?" By the slight shift in her tone I could tell that she already knew, we all already knew, but she wanted to hear him say it. She wanted him to acknowledge it.

I had a brief war with myself over whether or not to interrupt this conversation. Cal had had enough and I was sure no good would come of it. Promise spoke before I was decided.

"It's about what Robin and I said about that girl isn't it?" She continued since Cal remained unresponsive.

She gave a light sigh and I could almost see the slight unhappy downturn of her lips.

"I apologize, I should not have said what I said. However I do not think you should trouble yourself over the matter. The girl will be fine, I am quite certain she has had to deal with such comments all her life. One more will certainly not break her." It was a long speech from her and though I was rarely ever taken off my guard I found myself surprised.

Was she really so unaware of the affects of such a comment? How could she spend so much time around Cal and not know?

The silence stretched on for what seemed like a long, long time but couldn't have been much longer than a minute. Cal said nothing in response, it was unlike him to be so silent. He usually had something sarcastic to say that took away from the sincerity of the conversation and diffused the tension. I wished I could see his face, then I would know what he was thinking.

Finally Promise must have decided that Cal wasn't going to say anything. I heard her footsteps get closer to the doorway and her hand close on the knob before Cal spoke.

"Seven hundred and fifty three." He said in an odd quite voice. I tried to dissect his tone and his words but came up blank. What was he talking about?

"Cal?" Promise asked, and for a moment I was just as confused as she was, then I realized what he was talking about… what he was counting. I felt my heart clench and my fingernails were digging so hard into my palm that it must have hurt, it must have… but I didn't feel it.

"Seven hundred and fifty three," he repeated, "is the number of times since as long as I can remember that someone has called me an Auphe or a monster." He gave a dark laugh. "It's the same thing I suppose."

"And yeah, of course she already knows what she is. I bet no one ever lets her forget it." I heard his footsteps, rapidly retreating towards the shower.

"Cal." It was one word, but it was filled to the brim with apologies.

"Don't worry about it Promise." His voice was softer now, and he was farther away. "It's not that big of a deal, I don't even know why I count. Stupid habit I guess." His shield was back up, the vulnerability hidden behind his nearly impenetrable barrier of sarcasm and bravado.

Promise would buy it, but I didn't for a second. And selfishly, for just a moment, I wished I did. He counted. He remembered every time, and suddenly I remembered too. He used to have Spiderman notebook. It was kindergarten and he was five years old but he kept that notebook for years. In the back of that notebook he kept a tally. I never knew what it was for, I never even thought to ask.

I had hoped that maybe he forgot some of Sophia's comments, that maybe I had prevented her words from scaring him too deep. I hadn't though, I hadn't done a damn thing. I ran through my memories and wondered which was his first memory. Perhaps when I was seven and he was three and she first told Cal that he was a half breed freak. Maybe later when he was four and Sophia had gotten drunk and told Cal that he would never have any friends because everyone could look at him and tell that he was a monster. It could have been the time on his fifth birthday when Sophia told him that something like him never should have been born in the first place. It could be anyone of those times, or the one of the many times in between.

I had worked so hard for Cal. I tried to block those cruel words for him, said so many more good things to him than Sophia said bad. But the bad things are what always stick with you. If anyone knew that it was Cal and me. The bad things never leave you, and what Sophia had done would always be a part of us. We couldn't save each other from that.

The memories poured into me like acid, making me nauseous and leaving a bitter taste on my tongue.

I heard Promise open the door and I relaxed my body into a perfect imitation of sleep. Almost as good as Cal's imitation of nonchalance about the awful lies he believed about himself.

I would keep trying though, defeat wasn't a concept I would accept in the fight for my brother, just like he never stopped fighting for me. Maybe we couldn't forget, but we could make better memories. Someday it may be enough to cancel out the poisonous ones.

Despite my attempt at positive thoughts I fell asleep with only one thought in my mind.

Seven hundred and fifty three… and still counting. Always counting.


	3. Confrontation

Hey folks. This chapter is once again in Niko's perspective, but the next will be in Cal's. I already have it all planned out. This is about the first time they actually get in a fight with a Grendel, and the results of all that. I hope you like it!

Oh, by the way, thank you to those who reviewed! It means a lot for me to get your feedback... especially because so far its been positive. :D Thanks!... now go enjoy the story.

Disclaimer: The Cal Leandros series is property of Rob Thurman, I own nothing.

* * *

It was late and the city was mostly empty of pedestrians. It was too dangerous to be out now… at least unarmed. But then I wasn't unarmed. I was merely 14 but I had been taking classes at a dojo and I knew I could fight and fight well. I had only been taking them for a year but I was already better than all the teachers there. For a moment I allowed myself to be proud. I was a good fighter, and I was certain that I could protect Cal better now.

Most humans were not as good as I was and I could hold my own against a monster or two. I had practiced. There had been a revenant last week in the alley lying in wait for an unsuspecting passerby to step to close. I had taken care of it quite thoroughly and I didn't have a scratch. I wasn't nearly as good as I would have to be, but I was good enough for now.

I glanced down at Cal, who had stubbornly insisted on going with me. He didn't want me to be wandering out alone. I couldn't help but smile at that. Cal was small for his age and not nearly the fighter that I was, yet he still never let me come alone. He was a good brother.

"What?" He said defensively when he noticed my staring. "I know, I'm adorable, but you really gotta stop with the staring."

I sighed and gave a light smack to the back of his head. Sarcasm. It was a new thing for him but it was coming on strong. I couldn't imagine it going anywhere in the near future either.

Cal rubbed the back of his head and glared up at me. His rubbing messed up the already tangled shaggy hair on his head. It fell across his face and made a stark contrast against Cal's already pallid skin. I knew he hated it. He hated how white his skin was. He thought it made him look like a Grendel. He was wrong though. He looked nothing like a Grendel, not physically and especially not what I saw through his eyes. I would convince him of that someday.

I had let myself get distracted, a rookie mistake. So it took me a second to see it, a pale blur against a black sky. I didn't let it know that I saw it, they didn't usually bother us. For some unknown reason they usually just watched, with red malicious eyes that paid far to much attention to Cal.

I felt the adrenaline fill my body as it did every time I saw them. Cal noticed and looked up at me confusedly for a moment before he realized. He was not as good as I was at hiding fear, and the tension was easily visible for anyone… or anything, who looked close enough. And there were things looking closely… there always were.

"Hello little brother." Its voice was a horrid sound, like someone stuck barbed wire in a tree shredder. The low grinding and the high pitched hiss.

It jumped down from its perch on the rooftop to land in front of us. It's almost clear hair twisted in the air seemingly of its own accord and its thousands of needle teeth sparkled brightly even in the sparse light. But worse than all this was the fact that it hadn't even looked at me yet. It stared with homicidal happiness at Cal, who I could feel shaking beside me.

I tried to edge in front of him, but that seemed to snap him out of it. The shaking stopped and he wouldn't let me in front of him. We were going to have a long talk about this later.

"You sheep have been training, yes? Practicing." With no more talk it lunged at Cal. It moved so fast, I almost couldn't keep my eyes on it. It was like nothing I had ever seen before, but I didn't have time for fear. It would only slow me down.

I managed to get the knife up before it was on us, but only just barely. I slashed at its torso, but it twisted and avoided my attempt easily. It moved so fast I wasn't sure what part of it hit me, but I flew a few feet and skidded across the pavement and knocked my head against it hard.

Before I had even hit the ground it was on Cal. I saw its claws glisten as it raised its hand high and brought it down too quickly for him to move. My heart lurched in my chest and I was up and on my feet faster than I knew I could move. My knife was still gripped tightly in my hand ready to spill blood, but I wasn't fast enough. I moving faster than I ever had, but I knew it wasn't enough. I couldn't make it. I couldn't stop that hand.

It came down across Cal's cheek leaving four parallel scratch marks lined with blood. His head snapped back at the incredible force from the Grendel's thin sinewy arm and he stumbled backwards before catching himself. Suddenly the fear was replaced by a new emotion. It was boiling black in my stomach and pounding through my veins with every beat of my stuttering heart. It seethed inside me viciously and it needed release. I was happy to grant it.

It didn't think I, a mere sheep, would be so fast, so I managed to catch it off guard. I threw all my strength behind my arm and slammed the knife home into its chest as it turned to face me.

Black blood was everywhere, spurting from the wound and dripping down my hands. It should have been dying, cursing screaming and clutching at its chest. It should have looked shocked as that sickly red light left its eyes… but it didn't. It didn't do any of that. It laughed and grinned at me, nothing but malevolent glee in its eyes.

It shoved my hand off the knife with a twitch of its wrists and yanked the knife from its chest. It gripped the hilt, slippery with its own blood and handed it back to me, hilt first. Like a knife was a joke of a weapon, like I was a joke of a fighter.

It reached towards my neck, I jerked back but not fast enough, its claws were bare inches from my skin.

Then came Cal.

Seemingly out of nowhere he leapt on the Grendel's arm that was stretching towards my neck and bit it. Black blood flowed freely from the arm and into his mouth and down his face. The Grendel yanked its arm back and dislodged Cal with a punch to his ribs that ripped him from its arm and sent him flying as easily as if he were nothing.

It laughed again and turned back to me. It leaned forward and hissed through its fine teeth. It's hot fetid breath making my stomach turn.

"Useless."

An eerie grey light flared to life behind it and it stepped backwards, disappearing into something just as vile and wrong as it was.

Then it was gone, all of it. The light and the Grendel were just gone… like they never were.

I turned quickly and ran to Cal who was just sitting up. I dropped to my knees beside him as gingerly touched his face. He winced away from my touch and gritted his teeth as he managed a full sitting position.

"Are you okay? How are your ribs." I lifted his shirt and saw some bruising, but nothing that looked too serious. I still felt sick at seeing him injured. My little brother, the only person who I loved in the whole word and I let him get hurt. I shook those thoughts from my head, I didn't have time to deal with them now. Now was the time to be strong for Cal, where I had failed before.

"Okay. You?" He said gruffly as I helped him to his feet.

"Fine." I responded though I was certain my bones were seriously bruised. I could deal with it, he didn't need to know that. "-but we need to get out of here. It most likely won't come back, but we can't take that chance."

I coaxed us into a fast pace, almost a jog, despite the fire in my ribs. We had made it a mile before Cal struggled from my grip and threw up. His body continued to convulse and dry heave even after he had expelled everything from his body. I sat next to him and rested my hand on his back, so he would know I was there.

After a moment he turned around and looked up at me. In the meager light I could see that the blood on his cheek was mixed with black Grendel blood. I grabbed the hem of my shirt and began to wipe it off but he pulled his face away from me.

"Don't" His voice was hoarse from vomiting. "what's a little more Grendel blood?" He gave me a self-deprecating smile.

My hands clenched into fists before I threw my arms around him and held him to me tightly.

"If tonight should have convinced you of anything, it is that you are nothing like them at all. I won't tolerate you thinking differently. Anyone who thinks badly of my little brother has to go through me, even if it's you." I let him go but held his chin so he was forced to look me in the eye.

He lip twitched in a genuine relieved smile and he nodded. We walked the rest of the way home in silence. But I was glad for it. I thought back on the fight tonight and it was almost laughable how pathetic I was. The Grendel could have killed Cal if it wanted to, and I could have done nothing to stop it.

I had thought I was a good fighter, what a joke. I thought bitterly. I was nothing compared to the Grendel. It was foolish to think that being the best human in my dojo meant a thing. We weren't fighting humans, we were fighting Grendels. I could never let myself take a break, I could never let myself rest. I needed every moment to get better, to be faster and stronger.

I needed to be able to protect Cal.

As I walked home with my head aching and my ribs burning I stared down at my little brother and promised myself that I would work as hard as need be to protect him. I would never stop getting better, never rest until he was safe.

"You're staring again. I know how cute I am but really, this is getting ridiculous." I felt a smile tug at my lips as I held back a laugh and I was so relieved that he seemed okay I didn't even bother smacking the back of his head.

Maybe sarcasm wasn't such a bad thing after all.


	4. Tumulus

**WARNING! THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND IT CONTAINS DISTURBING IMAGERY! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**.

So this chapter is Cal's perspective of returning from Tumulus. I have read a couple of versions of Nik's perspective but I wanted to do Cal's. I know this chapter is really confusing, but it is supposed to be. Cal is on the verge of losing his mind so he is really jumbled up… just like the format of this story. Sorry if it detracts from the story. Enjoy! Let me know what you think. I love your reviews and I seriously want feedback on this one. Is it good? Bad? Not at all how you thought it should have been like? Let me know for future reference… though I must say, personally, I like this chapter more than the others I've written.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Cal Leandros series, it is property of Rob Thurman.

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_**I hit the ground the hard. Dirt and ashes flew into my face and clogged my nose and throat. I coughed and my lungs ached, but I was free. I had killed the Grendel that had spawned me. It had been coming to punish me for failing to make a gate, but it didn't know… for once I was one step ahead of it. I had been planning, it had taken me a long time, though I couldn't really be sure of time in that hell, and I had to endure much pain. So much pain… but I had killed him. It had expected me to do nothing, nothing but accept the punishment, the torture, like I had so many times before this.**_

_**Luckily my face had been hidden by my hair, because as it approached me my face had twisted into something like a smile, but more savage, because I couldn't remember how to really smile anymore. Its claws reached my shoulder. I knew this punishment… it was going to dig its claws into the soft tissue between the ball and socket of my shoulder and pull it out of place.**_

_**A minor punishment, they didn't want me harmed to badly… now that they thought I was making progress.**_

_**In a movement just as quick as theirs I jerked up and wrapped by fingers around its neck and I used my knees to pin its arms. It took a while for it to die. I held its neck and felt as its struggles slowly weakened, I watched the light leave its eyes. I hadn't felt happiness or satisfaction in an eternity, and I doubted that I ever would again, but in that moment the darkness paused in its unrelenting crushing of everything that was me. In that moment I almost wasn't choking on my own vile black soul. Almost.**_

_**Then I created a gate… something I had learned to do some time ago. I didn't know where it went, but I knew it was better than here. Because when they caught me I knew what they would do to me. They would peel the skin from my flesh, not enough to kill me, but just barely. They were good at that, the Grendels. For something so good at killing they were also experts on keeping something alive for as long as they wanted. And it was usually oh so very long.**_

_**I heard a sharp intake of breath to my right and rolled quickly into a crouch. I bared my teeth and growled a warning for it to stay away. Had a Grendel followed me? But no, it was a human, a male, with long blond hair and light grey eyes.**_

Niko?

My throat clenched tightly as I tried to speak the name. I mouthed the word first then finally got some are behind the word.

"Nik?"

Why did it hurt to talk? My throat burned like it was on fire from that one simple word. He stared at me strangely for a moment, almost like he didn't know who I was. What was wrong with him?

"Cal?" He said in a strangled voice. Of course it was me. Was he okay? Why was he looking at me like that? I looked down at myself. I was naked… why was I naked? Suddenly he threw himself on me and embraced me tightly. It felt more like a restraint, I couldn't have moved an inch if I tried. I was too confused at the moment to try.

Suddenly an image flashed across my brain. _**The trailer up in flames**_. I shook my head to try and clear it.

_**Niko screaming my name.**_

_**Sophia in a circle of yellow fire, burning.**_

_**Tap, tap, tap of a claw on my window.**_

_**Claws at my neck an arm.**_

_**A sickly grey light.**_

_And then… and then… and then…_I tried to remember but suddenly my mind seemed to freeze. The phrase 'and then' repeated again and again in my mind like a broken record. I shook my head again and decidedly kept my mind away from that place.

Niko pulled me to my feet and dragged me to the car and began rifling through his stuff. He seemed smaller than I remembered for some reason. He was still much bigger than me but…

_**The hand around my arm had claws. They had found me, and they would punish me. It was useless to run but I tried anyways. I jerked my arm and tried to growl but it came out a whimper. I showed weakness, the punishment would be worse now. The pain… so much pain.**_

Nik grabbed my arm tighter.

"Cal! Stop, what's wrong?" He had already pulled me into sweat pants and was holding a sweat shirt of his in the hand not gripping my arm. He looked worried again, but worse. There was anguish and panic in his eyes. What was wrong with Nik?

"What do you mean? I'm fine…" But I wasn't fine. My body ached and I couldn't figure out what happened and my thoughts kept cutting in and out like a bad radio station.

"What happened to me Nik?" My voice garbled the words, but he understood them anyways.

"I'm not sure. The Grendels-" His voice hitched and he took a deep breath before starting again. "The Grendels came for you and they burned the trailer and they took you. You were gone two days but…" His fingers traced the old ugly scars on my neck and arm.

"Jesus Cal it really is you." He stared at me for a second before pulling me into the car at one side and shutting the door. He walked around and got in the drivers seat. The car groaned to life and he started down the dark deserted road. We were off to God knows where, but anywhere was better than here.

My head ached, hell my whole body ached and my memories were jumbled and I was trying to figure out what the hell had happened to me.

_**There was the sharp scraping of dark blood red sand against my back. A sickly yellow sky the color of pus loomed above me as several sets of claws dug into my body and began to drag me across the ground.**_

Nik reached a hand out towards me and I flinched away quickly. I didn't understand the action but the thought of someone touching me made panic swell through me so fast I couldn't control my actions.

Something was wrong. Something was _wrong, wrong, wrong._ My brain looped on the word and I curled into a ball on the seat. I felt broken, and I didn't know what was real. It was like loosing my mind. There was something in my head, something awful, terrible, trying to break free, but the rest of my mind wouldn't let it. Snatches kept resurfacing and disappearing more quickly than I could make sense of them. I was snapping back and forth quickly between confusion and despair. My head… _oh God my head_. I gripped it tightly and dug my fingernails into the skin.

Nik stopped the car and came around to my side to half drag, half carry me out. I stumbled along as the world tilted and shifted beneath me feet. I stepped a puddle and cool water flowed over the top of my foot.

_**Blood, there was blood on my foot. It was everywhere, dripping down my face and coating my hands. I stared down at the mix of vomit and blood that pooled around my foot for a moment before clawed hands dug into my shoulders and forced me to the ground. The twisted multi-jointed fingers closed around some of the meat and brought it to my lips. No. No, she was just a little girl. They brought her here alive… they made me kill her. Kill her or they would do it their way, and I had to, because what they would do would be so much worse. Excuses… I was a murderer… a killer. And I did it with my bare hands as they laughed and she screamed. Killer, killer, killer. I felt a hand yank and my hair and another force my mouth open. She was just some little girl…**_

I stumbled but Nik caught me. What had I been thinking about? Where were we? I looked around, and realized distantly that it was a hotel room. How did I get up here?

Nik grasped my arm and dragged me to the bathroom. He started to pull my clothes off and I was too tired to argue. My body was suddenly filled with bone deep weariness… like I hadn't slept in so long. But it had only been- my head ache suddenly spiked and I forgot what I had been wondering.

But the pain was okay because it was familiar for some reason… not so bad_… bad, bad, bad._

There was water in the bathtub now and I was laying in it. I was too tired to wonder anymore. So I didn't. I didn't recognize the sensation of being in a bath… in fact there were so many things that I couldn't remember anymore.

I glanced up at Nik, his face was so sad. I didn't need to see his eyes to know that. It was written in every line on his face. I didn't want him to be sad. I tried to talk… to make it better. Talking used to make us both feel better… didn't it?

I didn't have the control over my mind to filter so I just let what was in my head tumble off my lips. I wanted him to be… happy so I decided to talk about happy things.

There used to be happy things didn't there?

"I remember good things…" I started, my voice was gruff with disuse and my throat seared with the words I spoke… but it was worth it. I had Niko's attention now, and the distraction helped to melt a little of the anguish from his face. I kept talking, desperate to keep it from returning. I didn't know anything for certain right now accept that Nik was good and that he should be happy, and that out of everyone in the whole world he deserved it most.

I struggled to remember something good… something happy.

"I remember… I remember warmth." Yes that was good wasn't it? To be warm… I hadn't felt warm in a long time, sooo long. "I remember ice cream, and the feel of field grass against my skin. Do you remember those things?"

I noticed anguish beginning to creep back into his face. No… no, no, no. The word looped in my head. He shouldn't be sad.

"Don't be sad Nik… you should… you should be happy because you are so good. Remember? I… I… I remember the wild strawberries that we used to find in the woods… I can't remember how they taste, but it was good wasn't it? It was sweet. And then there was running water… do you remember that? We used to be able to have water whenever we wanted it."

I was struggling now, fumbling and trying to remember good things. It was hard, they all seemed so far away.

My eyes focused on his face again and I noticed it was wet. Why was it wet? Something connected it my mind for a moment. They were tears. Tears, tears, tears. He was crying.

I panicked, floundering around for something better than all those things, something that he could think about that would stop the tears. He shouldn't cry… was he crying because of me? He shouldn't… I didn't want to make him cry.

Suddenly I remembered something, the best thing. It had stayed with me while I was… My brain stuttered and flared. What was I…? Oh, the best thing. It came back to me again. The one thing that made the suffering worth while.

"I remember something else." The words came out in a garbled rush because I spoke too quickly, urgent to get the words out and to wipe the sadness from his face.

_Tears, tears, tears_. My mind stuttered.

"The… the best thing in the whole world is that you love me. Remember? You're the only one, but that's okay because you are the best and I'm glad that the one person who loves me is you."

His eyes snapped close and his face scrunched. I couldn't tell what he was feeling and I felt worried again. Did I make it worse again? Did I make him sad? _Sad, sad, sad. _

Then suddenly his arms flew out and wrapped around me tightly. I tried to flinch away, because touching was for hurting. _**The pain was coming**_. I shook my head and my mind was strangely blank. I stopped struggling and let my head rest on his shoulder since my arms were pinned tightly to my torso. We rested like that for a while, and my head was mostly empty. It was good because the confused thoughts made the pounding in my head worse. I felt a strange emotion. I almost didn't recognize it… but then I did.

I was content. Not quite happy… I didn't think that was in me anymore, but I was content.

Then my brother, Niko, the only brother in the whole wide world, picked me up out of the bath and helped me dress and get into bed. But I tensed, the bed was too high and obvious. I wasn't well hidden at all, my back was open to attack. I kept my eyes wide and searched the room. All my senses were on alert.

"Cal?" I jumped at the sound of his voice. "What's wrong?"

_**They would find me. They were coming, it was only a matter of time before they caught me and punished me. And the pain would be everything again… the pain, the pain, the pain.**_

"Cal!"

The room was back and I remembered my earlier dilemma. I slipped off the bed and crawled under it… where it was safer.

Nik's face scrunched up again.

"No. Don't be sad. Don't be sad anymore." I told him, because I was too tired for good memories anymore. I was too tired for anything. My body was so heavy and I had to work so hard just to keep my eyes focused, but I did. I did because this was important, I couldn't let Nik go to bed sad.

He tried for a smile I think but it didn't really work. It was okay, I understood. I didn't think I could make a smile work either.

"Goodnight Cal." His voice was rough but his face looked okay now. There was more… peace in it. Peace… it was a good thing, I couldn't remember what it felt like, but I knew it was a good thing. His peace made me content and I wanted to say goodnight back-I was supposed to wasn't I?- but I couldn't make my voice work anymore.

Niko lay down next to me on the floor and I reached my arm out so it was touching his… so I would know he was there. He reached his hand out and did the same thing so that our arms were lying parallel to each other and our skin was touching.

It wasn't restraining… it was just there. And I was… comforted? I just let it go and closed my heavy lids.

Sleep pulled me down and covered me like a thick black blanket. But soon that blanket turned red, blood red and it smothered me. I couldn't get it off, the blood. _Oh the blood_, it was everywhere. It wouldn't come off.

_**Then there were claws digging deep into my flesh again, as they held me down for awful, awful things… but I didn't scream. I wouldn't.**_

_**They liked it when you screamed**_.

My eyes were open and the red faded to black. I was under a bed… in… in a hotel room? I couldn't figure out what was real and my head was throbbing again. Then I felt something brush against my arm. I flinched away before I realized that it was NIko. His eyes were open and he was watching me… like he knew… like he understood. The raging storm in my head calmed a little and my heart started to slow down.

I had Niko with me now… the best thing in the whole world and he was real. I knew it. I could do this, I had to do this… for Niko…

…for the only person who had ever loved me.

Neither of us slept again that night. The sun rose to find us both watching each other amazed that we were together again.

And I felt warmth, for the first time in a long, long time.


	5. Costume

Hey people! Just FYI I will be updating less frequently now that I am going to college. I am a Chem major and my schedule is going to be hell. Bleh, but I get to see my friends again so that's awesome. Anyways as fascinated with my life as I'm sure you all are lets get to the story. It has some pretty heavy content again and it is written a bit like the last chapter. A little less craziness because... well, Cal is a little less crazy in this chapter. Hope you enjoy it!

P.S.: Thanks for the nice reviews, it means a lot to me to hear what you guys think. It lets me know that someone out there is reading this :) yay.

P.S.S.: Points to you if you know which book in the series the last line is paraphrased from!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Cal Leandros series, it is property of Rob Thurman.

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It had been a week, I think, since I had returned from hell. At least I thought so, time was still difficult for me. It sometimes passed in leaps and sometimes crawled on and on until it felt like eternity.

I didn't feel any better. There was an emptiness inside of me, black and hungry. It had consumed all of my memories of… of that place. But I didn't mind, I was glad even, because part of me did know, part of me was all too aware. All I knew was that whatever hid behind that impenetrable black wall was better off behind it.

With all my memories locked up denial came easy. It was almost like it never even happened… except for the word looping, the black outs, the memory gaps, the patchwork of scars that covered my body, and the way that things that were once familiar to me seemed foreign.

Yeah… except for all that.

I felt my face contort into something like a smile, but there was no happiness in it. There was no happiness in me either. Mostly just emptiness, fear, and hate. There were other things though too, better things. They were slow in returning but the were coming back all the same. The contentedness, the love, the determination, they didn't get swallowed up in the black pit like everything else. Something of them still lingered inside me and I was eternally grateful for that. The Grendels hadn't destroyed me. They twisted and contorted me and had broken me into pieces, but I wasn't all gone.

These pieces were all that was left of me and I had done my best to duck tape it together into an almost coherent whole. Mostly I had Nik to thank for that.

This past week, at least from what I could remember, had been hell, except for time spent with Niko. It shouldn't surprise me. Nik was always the exception.

I glanced down at my shoes as we walked down the slushy streets, we were job hunting. Now that we were officially on the run we needed to find a way to get money for a few creature comforts… like food. Food was generally a good thing.

I flexed my toes again in the uncomfortable confines of my shoes. Another strange side affect of my… missing time, I wasn't used to the feel of clothes anymore. I was always aware that I was wearing clothes. The awareness brought with it knowledge that I hadn't been before. It made me feel like I had put on a costume and a mask and I was hoping that no one would notice that it wasn't quite right. That I didn't really fit perfectly.

"Cal?" I glanced up at Nik's voice and realized I had been out of it for longer than I thought, we were there.

There was a small dojo were Nik was going to start teaching… and where I could hopefully get a job cleaning. I felt my palm start to sweat with nervousness and I curl them into fists. My now short nails dig into my palms. When I had first returned they had been long and jagged. Almost like claws.

_**Claws, claws, claws. They were black, but tipped with a bright scarlet red. The red of blood. I ran with it. It flowed in rivulets down my arms and wended briskly down my stomach. I didn't know where I was hurt, there was too much blood to see the source and I was in so much pain that I didn't know where it was coming from. I was pain. It throbbed in my veins and pounded in my skull and ripped its way from my aching throat. I had tried so hard not to scream… but I couldn't remember why anymore. I couldn't remember anything anymore. All that was left was will, and I could not give in. It wasn't about me. There was a little boy with black hair and a dinosaur T-shirt. Kill him, they said, kill him and there will be no pain. But I couldn't, because then he would be dead and I would be lost. Gone forever. And I couldn't lose whatever this was, because it was all that was left of me. All that was left of what the only person who ever loved me had made me.**_

_**It was hard to hold onto when I became pain and my body turned red. But I did, even as everything else that held me together was being torn apart fiber by fiber.**_

"Cal!" Niko was in front of me gripping my shoulders so tightly it almost hurt. Touching was for hurting. I closed my eyes tightly for a moment and then opened them again.

Where were we? The emptiness in my head had grown, swallowing everything. But I felt it recede as the world came back to me.

Whatever the memory was it was gone and I was back. Nik studied me closely for a moment before letting me go and guiding me into the dojo.

I didn't say anything. I didn't have to, he understood when I was here and when I was… gone. Nik used to know everything about me, but not anymore. I don't know all of me anymore either though, so it makes sense.

I didn't know how we got there but we were suddenly in an office. We sat down in two grey chairs that looked a lot more comfortable then they actually were (which was saying something because they looked about as fun to sit on as a pile of rocks) and waited for the boss man to come interview me.

Interview me, I scoffed internally, how qualified did I have to be to mop floors?

I took a deep breath and glanced around the room. It smelled… strange. It smelled faintly metallic and… something else that I couldn't put a name to. It was difficult to tell because it was covered up with copious amounts of cologne. Whatever it was it wasn't human.

I touched Nik's arm and tried to make the muscles in my throat work.

"A vampire." He said under his breath. I wasn't surprised that he already knew, both what I was going to say and the fact that his employer was a non-human. "They don't have an acute sense of smell." He added after a moments hesitation. He didn't need to elaborate on that. He knew I was worried about being recognized, not many people, for lack of a better word, would hire a Grendel if they knew it was a Grendel.

The door creaked open and male vampire who appeared to be about forty stepped in and shut the door with a quiet click behind him.

"Hello, I am Gregory Philips. It's a pleasure to meet you…" He said in a pleasant voice as he stared expectantly at me. I didn't know what to do and my palms were sweating again. I tried to wipe them on my jeans subtly but it didn't work and he noticed the movement. His gaze turned curious and I sunk lower in my chair.

"This is Cal, my brother. He…" Nik trailed off for a moment trying to find the right words to explain my… situation. "He has had some family issues as of late, but he is willing to work and work hard."

Family issues. If I could smile I would have. That was unquestionably the biggest understatement that he had ever made in his entire life. It was like calling World War I a slight scuffle or saying the sun is hot. Complete absurdity. And he did it with a completely straight face… impressive.

"Ah I see." Gregory said with a bullshit sympathetic face on. "Well I'm sure that we can-"

He suddenly cut himself off and blanched bone white. His eyes were wide in his pale face as he stared at me with fear rolling off him in sickening waves. His lips moved but he got no air behind the word. It didn't matter I knew what he was saying.

"Auphe." He finally gasped after the third try. I tried to feel myself from the inside out, so that I could know what he was seeing.

_How can he tell?_

"No, he is not." Niko said sharply. He stood and his anger was obvious, which was unusual for him. I distantly wondered why it still bothered him so much. I would think that no one could deny what I am now, but Nik is stubborn. He always accuses me of being unrelentingly pig headed but he is the one who refuses to see the truth when it hits him on the head… or comes falling out of a grey hole in the sky to land at his feet snarling and hissing.

Gregory didn't even glance at Nik. He kept his eyes trained on me like I was about to turn rabid any second. Not really such a crazy assumption to make.

_Crazy, crazy, crazy_. My mind stuttered.

"Just leave. Please just leave." Gregory said in a shaky voice, with an equally shaky hand held out in front of him.

As fun as this all was, I decided to head out before Gregory here pissed his pants. Not that I could blame him, I wouldn't want to hang around a Grendel either.

Nik followed me out. My head felt strange. I brought a hand up to my forehead.

_**They brought creatures back with them sometimes. So that they could enjoy their suffering before they ate them. They wanted to draw it out as long as they could. The fear and pain of the victims were just as much food to the Grendels as the flesh that they consumed from their still thrashing bodies. I tried not to watch, not to hear. I huddled in the farthest corner of the cave and tried to block out as much as I could. But it didn't really work, it didn't dull the horror. **_

_**I sat in my corner and I did nothing. The creatures never recognized me from the other Grendels. They never noticed that I wasn't one of them. As I stared down at my jagged dirty claws and did nothing to help them I realized that maybe they didn't notice because there was no real difference. **_

I stumbled as I half fell over the curb. How had we ended up out here already? Had I been daydreaming? I felt Nik grab my arm and brace me as we walked briskly back to the apartment we couldn't afford. Couldn't afford because of me. The weight around Nik's neck, his blind spot, his weakness, his demonic little brother… just like old times. I thought bitterly.

It was difficult to do, but I had to do it. I had to let Nik know that I was sorry.

_Sorry, sorry, sorry._

My throat muscles convulsed as I tried to make them work.

"I'm sorry Nik." I managed in a voice that sounded almost normal.

He glanced down at me and put a hand on the back of my neck.

"This is in no way your fault Cal." Nik said firmly. "That man is a fool who has obviously never met a real Grendel ever in his life." There was the echo of his anger in his voice. He had it under control, this was Nik he never lost control, but it was still there. "There are always more jobs. There is another martial art studio a ways from us. I'll drop you off at the apartment and then go and pick up an application."

I had already filled my talking quota for the day so I just nodded and let him pull me along. We reached the apartment quickly and he walked me all the way to the room.

"I'll be back quickly. You can boil some ramen for when I return. Make sure you lock the door." And with that he was gone. I shut and locked the door and made my way over to the kitchen area which consisted of a microwave, a sink, a stove, and a mini fridge. I got out a pan and dug through the cabinets looking for some ramen packages.

I set them down on the counter and went to the bathroom to wash my hands before I started the ramen. They felt filthy for some reason. Contaminated.

_**Covered in blood.**_

I glanced down at my fingers as ice cold water ran over them. My fingers were long and spidery and my skin was almost transparent it was so pale. It looked even worse in the dark of the bathroom, the stark contrast making my skin look like a sickly shade… or maybe that was just how it always looked.

Though the sun had set I hadn't turned any lights on. It didn't matter, I could still see my reflection in the meager light.

I was white as paper, as pale as a ghost… Grendel skin.

As I stared at myself in the cracked mirror I realized how ridiculous I looked. I was wearing oversized clothes that hung off my body and my hair hung down to the tops of my shoulders in an awful tangled mess. I looked just how I was, like a Grendel trying to be a human, and failing miserably. I was like a kid on Halloween who threw on a bed sheet and thought people would mistake them for a ghost.

Something like a laugh forced its way out of my throat. But it was twisted. Wrong

_Wrong, wrong, wrong._

Just like me.

Suddenly my clothes were like a lie, a bad lie that I felt stupid for trying to tell. Did I think I was fooling anyone with my human act? Did I think that if I put on people clothes I was suddenly 'a real boy'? I sneered at my reflection and pressed a pallid hand with too long spidery fingers against the mirror.

A Grendel hand. My costume was so obviously fake that it would have been comical if the revulsion hadn't been so strong. I felt bile in the back of my throat.

I reached down and ripped my shirt off. I wanted to see what I really looked like, without my awful attempt at a human costume.

The shirt hit the floor with a muffled sound and I stared at it for a moment before I got the courage to look up at myself in the mirror. I couldn't see my pants because the counter came up to my waist. I looked like I was wearing no clothes. _Grendels never did. _

I looked just like a Grendel. I was pale, too pale to be human, like I had never seen the sun. Like I lived my whole life in the rotting black of a sewer... or a cave. My arms were too long, just like my spider fingers, and they were thin. My whole body was thin, disgustingly emaciated, just like a Grendel's. There was hardly any smooth skin on me. I was covered in a patchwork of scars in every shape and size. My body was mutilated and repulsive, and if you knew just where to look you could see claw patterns.

I caught my eyes in the mirror and for a second they looked scarlet red.

_Red, red, red._

I stumbled backwards unable to look at the Grendel in the mirror… at my own reflection. I fell to my knees by the toilet as my body tried its hardest to expel everything I had eaten that day. Luckily it wasn't much.

I flushed the toilet and cleaned up quickly without checking my reflection. I went to go boil the water for the ramen before Nik got home.

Even though my costume was obviously a fake and no one else but Nik believed it I would still wear it. It made him happy to think that I was human. Nik deserved to be happy even if it was a lie.

So I put my human suit back on and did my best to pretend that I wasn't a monster… wasn't a Grendel. And I could almost hear the world laughing at me, because I wasn't fooling anyone else.

They looked at me and they knew. They all knew.


	6. Mantra

Hello people! I know that it took some time to get this up but school is keeping me busy. My writing just has to take a back seat. Also, sorry about the typos, I usually just write something all in one sitting, read it through once and post it. I don't have the patience to keep checking and rechecking it. Oops. But oh well, I'm sure that you all get what it going on. I'll try to read through more carefully in the future.

Thank you for those who review for this story! It means a lot and keeps me actually posting the silly little things I write. So thanks for the encouragement! I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Cal Leandros series, it is property of Rob Thurman.

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Niko POV:

I watched as Cal crawled out from under the bed. Ever since he had returned from… that place he had been different. He didn't talk much, hardly at all, but I had come to understand that he didn't remember what had happened to him in the time he was gone.

The time that I had lost him.

I put my face in my hands and dug the heels of my palms into my eyes. I had lost him. Cal was only fourteen, at least he was when they took him, and he had screamed for me and screamed for me and I didn't come. I could remember every second of it because it was seared into my brain and I was branded with it, but also because it was only about two weeks ago for me. For me…. Cal had been gone for what I guessed was about two years. Two God damn years they had him and what had I done? The same as I always had done when it came to him. Absolutely nothing.

_**The trailer was burning around me. The smoke filled the air and scorched my lungs and throat as flaming bits and pieces fell around me, seemingly determined to take me down with them. **_

_**I wondered distantly if this was what hell was like.**_

_**I could hear them screaming. Cal and Sophia, but all I could focus on was Cal's voice. I had to find him. I had to, even though I already knew that we were all going to die. There were too many of them, there must have been almost fifty out there. That's what my brain kept trying to tell me, too bad the rest of me didn't and wouldn't understand the concept of defeat when it came to my little brother. **_

_**Something was different…. Sophia's voice had stopped. I would think about what that meant later. **_

"_**C-cal." I tried to call back to him to let him know I was here, that I was coming for him. But I couldn't my lungs were burning and the heat was so strong that I now felt it pressing down on me like a blanket of sweltering pain. **_

_**I had to get to Cal.**_

_**I forced my way through the burning wreckage, I felt like my skin was melting off. Yes! The window, I could see it. I worked faster now, navigating between pieces of the burning, melting trailer. I was so close that I could almost taste the cooler air outside. So close that I would be with my brother any second now. Any second now… **_

_**It was strangely quiet outside. I could hear the awful screeching laughing of the Grendels and they watched the world fall down around us. I could hear the cracking of the trailer and the sounds of bodies thumping into each other. I had made it to the window by now. My vision was blurry so my first kick missed. I started coughing making it more difficult to focus. Something was wrong. This whole situation was wrong but something… something…**_

_**Cal. He wasn't screaming anymore. **_

_**I felt desperation choke out what was left of the air in my lungs. The window shattered under the force of my blow and I tried to call for Cal**_

"_**Cal!" My throat must have been burning… but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel the glass of the window as it tore my skin when I climbed through, I couldn't taste the ashes that I knew filled my mouth. Unfortunately my vision was still perfectly in tact. **_

_**I fell out the window and ran toward my brother's form as it disappeared through a sickly grey light. I knew where it led, to the Grendel's home… to hell. No! Denial swept through me so strong that my whole body became refusal, disbelief. I pushed myself faster. God I ran like I have never run before in my whole damn life. And it still wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.**_

_**I ran right by several of them and they let me. They were laughing… laughing. But I couldn't even focus on the hatred… I couldn't feel anything over the despair.**_

_**Suddenly it was gone. It was all gone. The Grendel's disappeared through their portals… just like my brother had. There must be somewhere to run… something to fight… something…. Something to do. But there was nothing, just a flaming trailer and an empty field. They had taken him from me. No.**_

_**I had lost him.**_

_**Had I thought I was in hell before? I was wrong, this was hell, hell was losing what meant the most to you in the entire Goddamn world and having it be all your fault. **_

_**But I couldn't leave and I couldn't give up. So I sat down and I waited, because he would come back to me. I couldn't live with the idea that he wouldn't. I couldn't live without Cal. Without Cal there was only a void… only blank emptiness. So I stayed in the spot where I had fallen. Waiting for my brother to return.**_

_**Waiting for Cal to come back from hell because if he didn't, then neither would I. We did everything together, and this would be no different.**_

I pressed my palms harder into my eyes to try and erase the vision…. to try and push it out of my skull. I didn't have time for guilt and despair, I only had time for making my brother better and that I would do. I wouldn't let him be lost to the Grendel's forever. I would wait for him to come back.

I looked down at him as he sat on the floor before me. He had come back last time and he would come back again, because Cal was the strongest person that I knew. He could do this.

I took a deep breath and stood up. Today was the day that Cal and I would resume our training. He was too… broken in the beginning to attempt it. I wasn't sure that he was ready even now but he needed to start training anyways. It could save his life someday, save it when I couldn't. Just like last time. I pulled on my clothes and laid some out for Cal to put on. He still needed reminding of the mundane things, because they were things that he hadn't had a chance to do in at least two years.

"We are going to the dojo today. It's time that we start practicing again." Cal just nodded, he didn't speak much anymore. I missed his sarcasm, and even his complaining. The absence of them just reminded me why they were gone… the place where he had left them.

I had done some research… on that place. I hadn't devoted much time to it between work and my brother, but I had discovered that the home of the Auphe (The technical name for the Grendels) is called Tumulus by outsiders. No one knew the Grendel word for it, and even if they did it may be impossible for a human mouth to say. The Grendel language didn't hold much similarity to any human languages.

We were both lost in our own thoughts as we walked down to the dojo. The trip seemed much shorter when my mind was occupied. Of course I didn't allow myself to get too distracted, I would never let myself get caught unaware again. If I wanted to protect Cal I had to be vigilant, there was no room for daydreaming in our lives.

Cal paused in front of the door for a moment too long before reaching for the handle. All the little things that were no longer natural to him were telling of the time he had spent gone…

That and the messy network of scars that covered his body. There were so many marks… he suffered so much. I slowly ran through my mantra in my head until I was as calm and at peace as I could possibly be in our current situation.

Cal followed behind me closely as I led him to one of the more secluded practice rooms. We didn't want an audience for the fighting we were going to be doing. To say that it wasn't regulation was putting it lightly.

I shut the door silently behind me and rolled the faded and torn blue mat out over the floor. There were no mats in real life, but I wanted to start him off slowly… and at the moment I couldn't stand to see another mark on his body. It would be a lie to say that I was starting slow merely for his sake.

I kicked off my shoes as motioned for him to do the same.

Alright. It was time.

I came at him, not as fast as I could but fast enough, he dodged out of the way and twisted behind me. I aimed a kick at his torso and he twisted to the left to avoid it. He was a little faster than before, but his technique seemed much the same. I could feel the relief like it was a solid entity being lifted off of me. Now was time to move at my full potential, to see what he could really do.

I turned and caught him with a punch to his shoulder throwing him off balance. I hooked my foot around his knees before he could correct the instability and he hit the mat. I gave him no time to recover.

I aimed a kick at his chest, making sure that I wasn't going to hit with enough pressure to seriously damage anything.

My concerns were unfounded.

Cal twisted with speed like I had never seen him use before…. Speed I didn't even know he was capable of using before. Speed I had only seen from one creature before…

Grendels.

He was across the room and in the corner in a movement so quick I almost couldn't follow it. He sat eyes wide open but seeing nothing, or at least not seeing the matted practice room.

He was hunched on all fours and breathing in quick rapid bursts. Cal was hyperventilating.

I rushed to his corner and fell to my knees beside him. He flinched away from my touch and stared up at me terrified. I knew that it wasn't me he was scared of, I knew that he knew I would never truly hurt him, that didn't change the fact that suddenly I knew what it felt like to be thought a monster.

But now was not the time for myself. Now was the time for Cal, my broken little brother, who I was trying my hardest to put back together. Somehow every time I thought he was getting better something like this would happen to remind me that no matter how quickly the scars were healing on the outside, the ones on the inside may never heal, and if they did they would take a hell of a lot longer than the physical ones.

If….

No…. no. There is no 'if', he would heal. I wouldn't let him be broken.

I scooted farther away from him and his trembling quieted somewhat.

"It's going to be okay Cal. It's just me. It's just Niko. You're big brother." I tried to calm him with my voice. It was all I could think of. I didn't know what to do, and no one could help me with this. There was no book I could read, nothing I could kill. Nothing. So we would both just have to settle for the best I could do.

It seemed to be working. His crouch became more of a squat. I kept talking to him, reminding him of who I was and where he was.

"It's just us. We're the only ones here… unless you count the infestation of rats or the cockroaches. Though I suppose those things are scary enough in there own right." Desperate humor for desperate people.

It was apparently helping Cal though. He fell into a sitting position and his eyes seemed to refocus on what was really around him, the here and now. He had won this battle, just as I knew that he would.

"Cal, can you tell me who I am? Can you tell me where you are?" I shifted a little closer to him but didn't try to touch him yet. I didn't want to push him too hard too fast in case he relapsed.

I saw him swallow and open his mouth a few times trying to get his throat muscles to cooperate with him.

"You- You're Niko and we're at a dojo." His voice was slightly gravely but he seemed more okay now. There was no immediate danger of a relapse. I let myself relax slightly and I let out a breath I hadn't been aware that I was holding.

I shifted close enough so that our shoulders were touching and sat next to him. I think that we both needed the contact right now. Cal needed it to remember where he was and whom he was with, I needed it to remember that he was here with me. He wasn't lost anymore.

It took a moment, but eventually Cal relaxed into the touch. We sat there on the floor of that dirty dojo staring into space and trying to hold ourselves together. It was difficult, so difficult.

I had pushed him too fast and had forced him back to that place that he never should have gone to in the first place. The place he never would have if I had been better, if I had been able to protect him. Instead I let the Grendels escape with the only thing that mattered to me, my little brother.

My fists clenched and my breathing sped up. I had to calm down or Cal might start to panic too. It was shocking how bad I had become at controlling my body lately. The nightmares, as if I needed any with the memories, and the shaking were things I could usually stop. They were things I could usually control.

I glanced at Cal.

It seemed as though I was losing control on all fronts. My fists clenched even tighter and I felt Cal tense beside me. I needed to calm down. Now.

So I felt for the beads around my wrists and I said my mantra. I said it again and again until my breathing slowed and my body relaxed and I felt Cal's muscles slowly unclenching beside me.

I leaned more heavily on him and continued the repeating for a long, long time.

Eventually Cal shifted and I realized that we must have been here for quite some time. I stood and offered my hand to help pull him up. He eyed it anxiously for a second before taking it and letting me help him. It was a step.

We headed out the door and onto the dark streets outside. Cal fell into step with me as we walked silently back home.

All the while I kept repeating my mantra.

_Cal is with me._

_Cal is with me._

_Cal is with me. _


End file.
